New Hopes

I have new found hope tonight!

I find that the weather affects my moods more than I anticipate. Today was beautifully sunny, and my mood went up at least 9 notches on the totem of emotions. Maybe I should take the perpetual gray cloud cover with some understanding, and do things to boost extra happiness in life on those days.

Understanding that, and taking more time to get to know my God today was very beneficial. I would highly recommend it.

Also, coincidentally to my finding of new hope in life, I am watching A New Hope (as in the 4th Star Wars movie) Classic and so good.

Questions

I am thankful for the pervasive and unrelenting love of God.

Even when I am being a depressed dope who can't get her eyes off herself, I still somehow know that I am loved.

My favorite mental picture that I had one day was of God running at me and throwing Himself on me. It's like it is irresistible and inevitable, and why would I ever not want to accept that love? How could I not return that love?

In my life, I've always thought that I was just not cut out to be super spiritual and speak in tongues and powerfully move in Jesus' name. Therefore, I've always been skeptical of my feelings and inclinations in the spiritual area. Why am I so afraid that I am the one God has always been looking for? Why are each of us afraid that we are God's special, awesome treasure to be loved and prized?

Talking about accepting that love and trusting uninhibitedly the one who gives that love is a whole lot easier than actually living that out. Walking out step by step, that we are specific and special to exactly the life we have been given. Now am I going to live like I am specific and special?

Jesus Church

Went to a GREAT gathering today!

Such good stuff and it can all be found right here.

http://www.ajesuschurch.org/Teachings

Exist

To exist correctly is hard thing.

I find that just plain existing is much easier to accomplish.

To wake up, shower, coffee, captain crunch, shoes, sidewalk, class, lecture, more sidewalk, work, typing, sidewalk again, apartment, take out the trash, watch a tv show, read a chapter, eat leftovers, pajamas, toothbrush, sheets, asleep.

How much more effort per day I must give to live a full life for there are people in each situation waiting to interact, willing me to say something but trying to look like they don't give a care 'bout nothin'.

How much harder is it to keep garnering the courage to talk to that one guy every day after psych class, instead of settling for a quick smile and walk away.

How much easier would it be if I could be comfortable in every situation instead of unfathomably unsure and unstable.

If everything was easier, would it be perfect?

If everything took less effort, would I not have to try?

If everything was easier, would I, could I be me?

Love overcomes hate, peace undermines anxiety, joy covers up sadness, could these be who they are without the effort, without the try?

Messiah died because He wanted me to try. Messiah died because He wanted more than just plain existing for me. Messiah died so I could exist correctly.

And now all I have to do is let Him help me.

Running. Whhaaaaat???

When I try to think of things I am thankful for my mind always goes to the big things, like love and family and Jesus and oxygen. But I want to be specific in the things I am thankful for, not just a blanket thankfulness for all the huge things that everyone experiences.

I have set out to be thankful for things in my own life that are right in front of my face every day and through that interact with my Almighty Best Friend more often, so that's exactly what I'm going to do!

This week was the first week back for spring semester, and getting reacquainted with school and classes and responsibility again has been the name of the game. For the most part, my schedule is pretty relaxed. Not much rushing around, and I don't have to get up too early which is getting increasingly better as I get more tired throughout the week.

The thing I am thankful for right now is my ability to work-out and go to the gym. I'm taking a fitness class, which forces me to get my butt out of bed and onto the treadmill.

Running isn't exactly a favorite thing of mine yet. I've heard that the more you run the more you love running, and honestly I am perfectly fine just staying out of this whole running-love-loop. But I've also heard (probably from the same person who told me about loving to run) that dying early is a symptom of sitting on the couch and eating biscotti all day. So, the biscotti is out and the running is in.

I find that while I am running, I start having really low self-esteem. I thought that running was supposed to give you endorphins or something. Evidently my brain doesn't understand endorphins because every time I start running, my thoughts turn apocalyptic. I start questioning why I do anything, because, really, I'm just going to die someday. And then I think, I'm probably going to die while running. Running suddenly turns into an enemy, and I am no closer to loving to run than I was four miles ago.

Even though running makes me question all my previous assumptions about myself, I get in some good perseverance time too. I feel like if I persevere through these next two miles, then maybe I won't make myself walk up the stairs after Sociology! If I persevere through this last half mile, then maybe I'll let myself watch a TV show after class! And I put exclamation points on those sentences because it's a reward! Doing my time on the treadmill, gives me license to whatever I want!!!!

Not really, but kind of...At least I feel less guilty about eating that cookie after lunch. Hopefully sometime soon running will be a habit and I will love it.

That's right L-O-V-E-R-U-N-N-I-N-G.