Ah boy. It's been awhile.

Things I've encountered and have been chewing on (metaphorically) this week:

As I was walking to dance tonight, I found that I was genuinely excited to go hang out with my girls. My excitement isn't an unusual occurrence. We laugh, and joke, and be silly and of course dance our butts off. It was just that I distinctly noticed how excited I was tonight.

One of my immediate next thoughts was that I wish I was as excited about reading my Bible and spending time with God as I am to go and dance for two hours.

I have been the worst this week at making time in my mornings and afternoons to commune with my Jesus. Time and time again people seem to be giving me advice about taking the time to seek God's face without even knowing that I've been slacking big time. Weird. Yeah, I know. God's doing a thang in my life again.

The second immediate next thought I had was of all those years I spent in ballet training, stretching and working my body and constantly going to class and participating in the forms. That was 15+ years of my life. There were definitely times that I did not want to go. I cried and debated and argued with my grandma about how pointless it was for me to attend one more class this week, but in the end, my grandma would give me a swift kick in the pants (again...metaphorically) and make me put on my tights and go to dance.

Now, I am reaping the benefits of all those years of discipline. I can go and dance with my friends competently and with satisfaction because I can dance, I am very practiced at dancing and it's not hard any more.

The last thought that seemed to end the revelational thoughts and swiftly lead to musings was that it's a good guess that reading my Bible and taking time to talk with God needs discipline also. I always think that I should be super good at Jesustime, and if it's not feeling right then I get bored with it and leave it and go do other more instantly gratifying things (like watch 30Rock...)

However...wait for it...it was a dosey for me...Doesn't it make sense that garnering instant joy and soulful gratification and reaping the benefits of living in communion with God Almighty don't come instantly? Doesn't it make more sense that I would need to practice clearing my mind of things and focusing on the One and opening my ears to the Holy Spirit?

So rather than the problem being that I suck at truly opening my heart and ears to the Lord, it is more that I don't practice it enough. (Huh. Well, maybe it is because I suck at being with God, but it's only because I don't practice being with Him. I think.)

I didn't perform beautiful, jaw-dropping, tear-evoking ballet after the first class I ever took. (For, the record I don't think I've ever had the jaw-drop/tear evoke combo happen at one of my performances, but for the sake of comparison let's go along with it)

Nor, should I expect myself to start seeing visions of heaven and start speaking in tongues the first time I try to knock on the gates of heaven.

Hope it what there is. Hope that someday, while I keep pursuing my Love, my Creator, I will find a level of communion where He speaks wondrous things to me.

Yes, this is what I've been finding this past week.

Another chapter in my search for practical living as a Jesus-follower.

The Big One

We can never love God as much as he loves us!

I am constantly reminded that I am not alone. I am cherished. I am loved. I am sought after.

Even if I am utterly alone in my little mind bubble, and the people around me don't understand a thing, I am not solitary.

I am always in a state of togetherness.

I am in sweet communion with the One. The Big One. The Creator.

When I am completely off my game socially, emotionally, academically, I can rely upon the Big One. He's got it all.

I am thankful for my God. I think in some ways I am always thankful for my God, but today I am thankful for His constantsy. He is consistently on my side, the one at my back pushing me forward and whispering in my ear.

My only wish is that I would live like this is true. That my mindset would be such that this is a real factor in my daily life. That it would show to others around me that I have complete confidence in the Big One.

Now, we'll see about tomorrow...another day, another chance to live like I am not alone.

I Love Hearts n' Things

Valentine's Day in the making!!!!!!

Writing valentines tonight and making cookies tomorrow!

Yay for a day of love!!!

And I'm writing a few mini-cards too.

Gender Roles with Tea

I am thankful for TEA!

It's not a very exciting picture, but my life is not very exciting right at this moment.

I've been working on my sociology paper on gender and sex roles today, and it's been very low-key. If there's one thing that can be said for college, it's that it makes you contemplate everything under the sun from the nature/nurture debate to your stance on organic food products. It's quite a trip.

But for now, I think I am done writing this paper and will proceed to more homework before I call it a night.

Grab Life By the Horns

We are given so many gifts and talents,

we should grab hold of them!

make the most of them,

use them fully,

and take confidence that we can do these things we are given to do.

They say that sometimes in test-taking, confidence can influence up to 30% of the grade.

I think that says confidence is a big deal.

So have faith!

Be at peace,

and use confidently what you have been given!

How Deep

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and

lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3

Goats. In a Tree.

Here are some goats in a tree for you.

Taken from this site: http://inside-digital.blog.lonelyplanet.com/2009/10/23/goats-in-trees/

New Hopes

I have new found hope tonight!

I find that the weather affects my moods more than I anticipate. Today was beautifully sunny, and my mood went up at least 9 notches on the totem of emotions. Maybe I should take the perpetual gray cloud cover with some understanding, and do things to boost extra happiness in life on those days.

Understanding that, and taking more time to get to know my God today was very beneficial. I would highly recommend it.

Also, coincidentally to my finding of new hope in life, I am watching A New Hope (as in the 4th Star Wars movie) Classic and so good.

Questions

I am thankful for the pervasive and unrelenting love of God.

Even when I am being a depressed dope who can't get her eyes off herself, I still somehow know that I am loved.

My favorite mental picture that I had one day was of God running at me and throwing Himself on me. It's like it is irresistible and inevitable, and why would I ever not want to accept that love? How could I not return that love?

In my life, I've always thought that I was just not cut out to be super spiritual and speak in tongues and powerfully move in Jesus' name. Therefore, I've always been skeptical of my feelings and inclinations in the spiritual area. Why am I so afraid that I am the one God has always been looking for? Why are each of us afraid that we are God's special, awesome treasure to be loved and prized?

Talking about accepting that love and trusting uninhibitedly the one who gives that love is a whole lot easier than actually living that out. Walking out step by step, that we are specific and special to exactly the life we have been given. Now am I going to live like I am specific and special?

Jesus Church

Went to a GREAT gathering today!

Such good stuff and it can all be found right here.

http://www.ajesuschurch.org/Teachings

Exist

To exist correctly is hard thing.

I find that just plain existing is much easier to accomplish.

To wake up, shower, coffee, captain crunch, shoes, sidewalk, class, lecture, more sidewalk, work, typing, sidewalk again, apartment, take out the trash, watch a tv show, read a chapter, eat leftovers, pajamas, toothbrush, sheets, asleep.

How much more effort per day I must give to live a full life for there are people in each situation waiting to interact, willing me to say something but trying to look like they don't give a care 'bout nothin'.

How much harder is it to keep garnering the courage to talk to that one guy every day after psych class, instead of settling for a quick smile and walk away.

How much easier would it be if I could be comfortable in every situation instead of unfathomably unsure and unstable.

If everything was easier, would it be perfect?

If everything took less effort, would I not have to try?

If everything was easier, would I, could I be me?

Love overcomes hate, peace undermines anxiety, joy covers up sadness, could these be who they are without the effort, without the try?

Messiah died because He wanted me to try. Messiah died because He wanted more than just plain existing for me. Messiah died so I could exist correctly.

And now all I have to do is let Him help me.

Running. Whhaaaaat???

When I try to think of things I am thankful for my mind always goes to the big things, like love and family and Jesus and oxygen. But I want to be specific in the things I am thankful for, not just a blanket thankfulness for all the huge things that everyone experiences.

I have set out to be thankful for things in my own life that are right in front of my face every day and through that interact with my Almighty Best Friend more often, so that's exactly what I'm going to do!

This week was the first week back for spring semester, and getting reacquainted with school and classes and responsibility again has been the name of the game. For the most part, my schedule is pretty relaxed. Not much rushing around, and I don't have to get up too early which is getting increasingly better as I get more tired throughout the week.

The thing I am thankful for right now is my ability to work-out and go to the gym. I'm taking a fitness class, which forces me to get my butt out of bed and onto the treadmill.

Running isn't exactly a favorite thing of mine yet. I've heard that the more you run the more you love running, and honestly I am perfectly fine just staying out of this whole running-love-loop. But I've also heard (probably from the same person who told me about loving to run) that dying early is a symptom of sitting on the couch and eating biscotti all day. So, the biscotti is out and the running is in.

I find that while I am running, I start having really low self-esteem. I thought that running was supposed to give you endorphins or something. Evidently my brain doesn't understand endorphins because every time I start running, my thoughts turn apocalyptic. I start questioning why I do anything, because, really, I'm just going to die someday. And then I think, I'm probably going to die while running. Running suddenly turns into an enemy, and I am no closer to loving to run than I was four miles ago.

Even though running makes me question all my previous assumptions about myself, I get in some good perseverance time too. I feel like if I persevere through these next two miles, then maybe I won't make myself walk up the stairs after Sociology! If I persevere through this last half mile, then maybe I'll let myself watch a TV show after class! And I put exclamation points on those sentences because it's a reward! Doing my time on the treadmill, gives me license to whatever I want!!!!

Not really, but kind of...At least I feel less guilty about eating that cookie after lunch. Hopefully sometime soon running will be a habit and I will love it.

That's right L-O-V-E-R-U-N-N-I-N-G.